nephew: the mini photo essay


i was wrong. it turns out "nephew" is employed. He has an outside sales job. trouble is, nobody wants what he's selling.

in fact, his technique is so unorthodox, so agressive, potential clients have been known to squeal.

nephew was so busy romancing his potential client he didn't hear God's gift to women and vacationing city-folk creep up behind him, compound-bow drawn and steady.

looks like Nephew is quittin' early today. (nice shot, Burt! )

and there came a calm throughout the land. and all the little hounds rested peacefully in their chairs.

and the forest was a happy and far more beautiful place with Burt in it, and nephew nothing but a dark memory never to be thought of again, except when horror tales were told around campfires.

the end


  1. So you sat a spell with Nephew on your reconnaissance mission?

    Way to take a loaded crossbow with you!

    Nice job.

  2. hah!

    i am laughing so much - i will probably flap right into the computer screen..


    but i miss your rotties too.

    i've been haunting pit bull rescue sites. i suspect i cannot really get a pit - too difficult to find someone to rent to me with a bit- but oh - i love 'em so.

    gotta think about smaller breeds that don't have the bad (and undeserved) rap.

  3. those nanny killers you found looked like they had beagle and mastiff and straight up hound in 'em.

    Was Nephew really in his tighty whities??

    did he soften up at all?

    Was he neighborly??

    did he bleed much?

  4. dear vanille and bird,

    i did it. i went over. with the cake vanille tole me to bake. lemoney bundt. with a glaze top and powdered sugar. i had barbeque too. just in case.

    big mama came to the door. it was about 2:30. guess who wasnt UP yet. nephew!! nephew, is "randall". randall gits up early to fish and sleeps in the middle day.

    he woke up and came out on the porch without a shirt. *Dear God give me strength*

    we talked about the incident. they showed me some big oil drums they were shooting at. the bullet holes were enormous. i told them that the way the land lays? the bullets that dont hit the little ridge between us, come whizzing over to rot whar my barn and chicken church are. yes over my head but ya never know when i might say, climb a tree, or climb a ladder up to the roof or something.

    i assured them i would have never said anything about hearing gunfire. what made me come over was trout tearing out of the woods as she did, and the sound of bullets ripping through leaves and bark.

    they took the cake. they did not invite me in for a piece *vanille!* but they accepted my apology.

    they assured me they were not shooting at trout.


    i told them i found some puppies. they said "how big were they" i showed them. they said "were there 3 of them?' i said yes. they said "oh yeah we saw them pups. they were real friendly, came towards the house from the road....we drove em off of here...didnt want them hanging around the house.

    somehow, i was able to maintain a neutral face.
    said nothing about the pups, and bid them good bye.

    i dropped off some of my cards in town with a guy that has a glass gallery. he told me he is going to adopt the calico pup! The pups are going to be formally up for adoption easter weekend. they are in the second chance system now, getting there shots and first vet exam.

    i am back in the cit-tay. *whew*

    i think it's gwona be all rot!

    bird: i love pits. love those big gator like heads. i agree the rep is thanks to people who raise them up wrong. does cali have a breed ban? i think you could do it! but i would start with a pup if possible. no back story to overcome, you know?

    thanks ya'll.


  5. hey hey!!

    allrighty then, you made peace with the neighbors!!

    nice that they drove off the dogs, real nice

    proves their ilk.

    My gramma is full blooded country and she would never do that!! She finds sick malnourished half frozen critters all the time and puts them in cardboard boxes on the front porch...

    I want to buy something from glassblower if he is adopting calico... I would have named him Nougat i think... send me his card maybe or website OK?

    Sounds like you had an alright time just hanging with the neighbors. Good job!

    I cannot believe they did not invite you in for a piece.

    ]Must not have wanted you to see all of your stolen stuff (hat included) inside!

    Maybe the cake will guilt them up a bit, and it will come back to you, or at least the plate it was on!

  6. Well, I guess I'm late again. I've heard my name being called as I was leaving Bass Pro Shop on I-Drive, finishing my groceries.
    Chickory, not that you can't but, something can be arranged for a complimentary treatment of the pests that are threatening your yard. I use Scott's Care Free program, and let me tell ya, it works great, within a few seconds, sometimes minutes, all pests are gone. Since these species are native to your area, a second application would be recommended, but that would incurr additional cost. It would be a shame to stain the beautiful green grass with such treatment, but sometimes the rewards are worth it....

    Take care Chick Ory!
    /bang! //bang!

  7. some folks are just dorks whether they live in the country or city..

  8. mebbe chicky-ree wud car tuh join us fer summa ma's sweet suth'n catfish eye soup 'n possum parts biscuits, fraish this week frum U.S. 441... y'all!

  9. Ask Nephew how to create a separate photo/comment thingy for chickory so you don't have to be anonymous anymore...;. ask him over possum eyeball stew and catfishtail gumbow

    Shiyut far

    hey, i answered yer comments, yup

  10. /t!!!!!!!! you scared the crap out of me. grrherherhaha. good one. i jumped..."nephew" it heart raced..thanks!

    Q: i would expect some special ops consultation from you. thank you! and, great to see ya! long time you been away. im going to use your comment as the first page in my remake of "steal this book" was the handbook for monkey warfare. i havent worked up to gorilla yet, not even mandrill.

    foam: youre right! especially since i aspire to be country people. i dont mean no disrespeck heah.

    vanille: yeah i caught up on your posts..they were selling couote tails?


  11. /bark bark bark

    er, that'd be "coyote" vanillllllllle!


  12. What the hell does he sell? Hot lead?

    If the city is Atlanta, however, I hear there's gunfire there too, sometimes. Hopefully the natives will be friendlier there than in the country, and take pains to keep you out of harm's way.

  13. fini,

    anyone can create
    an illusion of confusion


    change your
    'Display Name' to whatever

    'Photo URL' to http://whatever...


    the 'photo url' can be any accessible image anywhere on the Web (i'm using images uploaded to blogger)

    all else remains the same -- you can change and change back as often as you like -- tip: keep handy a list of 'display name's & corresponding 'photo url's you can cut and paste for a devastating quick change :)

    have fun


  14. seems an uneasy peace to me - no gaurantee nephew won't keep on shooting.

    i swear to god, if i read about some dead chicken in the backwoods of georgia - or this blog suddenly goes "dead" - i'll flap over and peck not just the eyes out of nephew but his balls off too - and then feed 'em to him - sort of the way penguins regurgitate food for their babies...

    fucker. he makes ME (anti-NRA, pro gun control, leftist-leaning, bleeding-heart liberal) want to tote an automatic weapon - rambo style - through the woods and just open it all up. or, take a nice juicy knife and slit nepwhew from his throat down his chest, through his belly and slice and dice on through.

    whoa, bird - this is out of control.

    delete if you see fit chick!

  15. Uh murder stories.


  16. haha xdell. i dont think anybody got killed this year at the final four.

    as to nephew, like in the movie deliverance on which this essay is cribbing, he sells confusion and incivility. the guys from atlanta are out of their element and cannot control the situation, and all the rules of humanity suddenly do not apply in the deep forest. i discovered the same thing on a far less devastating scale.

    ive been meaning to do a post on the movie, it has created more jokes and southern cultural references than you can shake a stick at...not to mention its mythic status among those of us who hike the northeastern corner of georgia where the movie was filmed.

    btw. i LOVED yourapril fools post you are TOO damn clever.


  17. /t that was devastating all right. i need to do chickorys avatar. too bad aunty got the pork rinds first. that was a good one.

    however i dont want K9's lovely mug tampered with not even for a minute. i just wasnt thinking when i switched to beta how all of the avatars would work out. grrrrr!

    i remember when you appeared as hannibal lechter but i really loved you as dusty springfield.
    if you can go blonde, then K9 can sport a dress, right?

    bird: delete it? are you crazy thats some damn good bad assing you got there. ive got my own cache of guns...but they are typically never used as recreation. if i want to practice i go to a shooting range. as for home defense, i like shotguns. you caint miss evn if you get flustered.

    oh i love it when you threaten to peck on my behalf! many thanks!

    neo!!! long time no see. i sent the revvy your way, did he arrive? a book? blog murder mysteries. but WHO would want to hurt sweet little ol me? it's the shortest story you ever heard of.


  18. speaking of books.....wasnt "randall" the name stephen king gave the DEVIL in the stand? it was!
    coincidence? nay lil chilldren, nay.

  19. yeah right, like Nephew has a computer... or an internet provider, or is tech savvy, or can READ for that matter.

    Chick'y, what was you afeared of??

    lil' ol' t/??

  20. People should read this.


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